Recently, Madeleine Albright said that there’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women. And while I don’t necessarily agree with all the conclusions she drew surrounding her statement, I do think she’s right – with an adjustment.
I think there’s a special place in hell for people who don’t help each other.
One of the things that makes us profoundly human is the ability to empathize and to sympathize with others – and this should lead us to helping, supporting, and building each other up.
Our son’s soccer team is having a very winning season. They are undefeated and they are regularly winning by wide margins. This is a change from last season when they were playing up a level and often losing. Sometimes we’re up and sometimes we’re down. Good sportsmanship is important when we lose. Keep your chin up, be persistent, learn, and be inspired to work even harder the next time.
But good sportsmanship is also defined when we win. Not to thumb our noses at opponents who have lost, but to congratulate them on a game well-played and the run they’ve given us for our money.
Because when we look at people who are doing well, it doesn’t always motivate us to do better ourselves. This is according to new research by Rogers and Feller published in Psychological Science. In a perfect world, we’re inspired by brilliance around us – it points the way to where we might go someday. But this research demonstrates that if the success around us is too great – and something we don’t think we’d ever be able to accomplish ourselves in a million years – it’s actually demotivating.
This is where relationships come in – and helping each other – and that special place in hell. Because I think that our reactions to others’ success is about them, but it’s also about us.
Helping is not only human, but also required. How does the verse go? “From those to whom much is given, much is required.” This means helping each other up, sharing glory, and encouraging the accomplishments of those around us – especially when we’re in the strong position of success.
A funny thing happens when you put frogs in a bucket (not that we frequently do). They will try to hop out. And when one reaches the rim successfully, others will jump on him and drag him back down – so none get out. How sad for individuals and also for the community – to see the success of others, and rather than celebrating it, to take shots.
I’ve always thought that friendship is demonstrated when we’re at our worst – the friend who will be with us when we’re at the bottom. But friendship is also demonstrated when we’re at our best – the friend who can be genuinely happy for what we’ve achieved, and not drag us back down or find it somehow threatening to their own esteem.
Being able to support people who are up requires that we feel good about ourselves as well. Because often, our harshest criticisms of others are a mirror to our own insecurities. And while our senses of self can’t come from external sources, we have a role to play in each other’s experience. We should build each other up. It’s when we do this that others’ fortune isn’t demotivating at all, but actually inspiring.
Sometimes we’re up and sometimes we’re down, but either way, we have a responsibility to each other – to celebrate each other’s success, to reassure each other after a failure, and trek on together.
There’s a special place in hell for those who don’t support each other. Perhaps there’s also a special place in heaven for those who do.
