My cousin and his wife have one of those families that is really, really cute. We keep up on Facebook, so I’m always in the know about their latest activities. They are engaging and funny and real and seemingly have the best little family life ever. Iain is entering preschool and loves the drums. Ava is little-sister-toddler building Duplo towers. From the outside looking in, Michael and Deana are idyllic parents.
Not idyllic as in perfect or pristine, but idyllic as in having fun, getting messy, and sharing a meaningful life together.
But it’s even more than that. In Ava’s eyes, Deana is apparently a Wonder. As in Wonder Woman.
Here’s Ava looking at one of Michael’s comics. Deana asks her “Who’s that?” And Ava answers “Mommy”.
Well, gee!!
Not that Deana doesn’t have brown hair, but she generally isn’t wearing her star-spangled body suit, bullet-stopping wristbands, or gold headband for every day. I grew up watching Wonder Woman and I was always most impressed by her transparent airplane (where can I get one of those?) and the lasso that magically inspired the bad guys to tell the truth.
Wonder Woman has become a symbol – even for those who didn’t grow up with her.
We’re all under pressure to be wonderous and brilliant as women, as parents, and yes, as men too. But our children love us for our foibles.
Many years ago, when my friend M’s daughter was very young, she was asked in pre-school (it was around Mother’s Day) why her mom was special. She came home with artwork that said her mom was special because she wore ‘giant panty hose’ (we still wore nylons back then). Oh my. Luckily, her daughter’s drawing was just a picture of M’s face, not of M wearing her hose.
Lately there’s been a lot of press about Marissa Mayer, Yahoo’s CEO, who announced she’ll come back to work after only two weeks of maternity leave. Is she Wonder Woman or what? It’s a bit of a media fire storm. Why? Because it’s threatening, I suppose. If she can come back in 2 weeks, does that make the rest of us real-world moms look bad?
No, let’s not go there. Parenting is not a competitive sport. And motherhood is not a race or a contest. Wonder Woman need not apply.
We’re all up against different obstacles. For some moms it couldn’t be harder. They are single, working at jobs that pay pennies, have no transportation, and struggle to make ends meet and feed their families, to say nothing of creating ‘enriching’ environments for their kids. For other moms, it’s not that hard but the pressure to be perfect is also ever-present. And what about men? Fatherhood is important too and we’re smart to center our debates around families and parenthood, not just around moms. I think it’s better if we recognize that we’re all just doing the best we can and support rather than judge. We are each other’s safety nets when we create communities that embrace, rather than evaluate.
But back to Michael and Deana (here’s Iain’s drawing of their family).
They are making a life for Iain and Ava one experience at a time. Iain plays the drums (loudly) in the house. Ava runs through the sprinklers on a hot summer day. They read stories at bedtime. They go out for ice cream. They go to the beach. Sometimes they even argue (!). But they recover quickly because they have a foundation of an imperfect but love-filled life.
Reality itself is a wonder, and our children love us for the little things (even whatever today’s version of panty hose would be). The choices we make and how we handle each of the things that life throws at us, are all instructive to our children – they’re watching our every move. The goal shouldn’t be perfection anyway. It should just be living the best that we can in the moment with our kids. Not everyone can come back to work after only 2 weeks of maternity leave, but that doesn’t change the gifts of love and of time that we can give our children. These are ever-present whether or not we are wearing our bullet-stopping wristbands or flying our transparent airplanes.
