Discovering Your Mom Language

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about “mom language” and how important it is.

It may seem like a strange time to write about motherhood. After all, our children are 19 and 23—way beyond diapers, cookies and carpools. But once a parent, always a parent. And as they go out on their own—to college, careers and marriages—it feels all the more important to stay connected and figure out how to best express our love.

My own mom is in a writing class and her prompt this week is “a clock that doesn’t chime.” It seems so apt. We want our children to grow, stretch their wings and be wildly happy, but if the process could just go a little more slowly, that would be so wonderful. If the clock doesn’t chime, could I freeze the precious moments of time together as a family before they leave the proverbial nest?

With time so short and our children being so important to us, I think we can make the mistake of putting too much pressure on ourselves. We think we have to be perfect parents. But in actuality, no child expects a parent that is perfect, only one who loves them deeply and well.

I love the idea of a “mom language”—the way we express our care for our children and experience our identity as a parent.

I was never a good, cook and when Terry was away on business it was a fun adventure to occasionally take the kids to Cold Stone for dinner (ice cream has plenty of protein, right?) or to make breakfast for dinner (if French toast works in the morning, why not in the evening?). Other moms were doing organic meals and super-healthy home cooking but that was just never my gig.

When I went back to school, it was fall and the kids needed new boots. Terry took the initiative to take the kids shopping one night when I was at class. At first, I was so sad. Shopping for winter provisions felt like an important part of motherhood. What was a good mother if not someone who would provide the for the necessities?

I think we all have to figure out what means the most to us in terms of our parenting identity. Cooking was never my thing and I had to get over shopping as my thing. On the other hand, I always relished driving the kids to school and picking them up. I loved the opportunity to begin their day with them and give them a good send off, and to hear their chatter about the day when they were fresh from class at the end of the day. I scheduled my meetings and my work—as much as possible—around these important moments.

As the kids have gotten older, my identity as a parent has shifted as well. When we visited Dylan at school, I brought him his favorite cannoli and pumpkin pie. I purchased them from a store, of course. It wasn’t the baking that mattered, it was the thought and the giving of something special that felt important. Of course, there are other things like being the picture-taker or being the purveyor of special family rituals.

I’m also committed to “text parenting”—sending texts at the beginning and ends of each day to let the kids know I’m thinking of them (no response required), and being as responsive as possible any time they reach out with a thought or a need.

Our children change and grow. The ways we parent also change over time. Clocks chime. We learn, grow and evolve. But family remains, love remains and we only need to find our mom language in order to continue expressing it.

The Secrets to Happiness at Work is available now on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Indie Bound, Target or for bulk purchase/volume discounts, via Porch Light Book Company.